We answer Yahoo's dumbest travel questions

We answer the internet's burning travel questions

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1) Priorities

When your sole condition for moving somewhere is a lack of war you know it’s been a rough few years. Enjoy your new life in Switzerland, Gus.

2) Scrimpin' ain't easy

Assuming you’re the first person, it depends if the second is your 94-year-old grandmother, because (and I’m speaking from experience here) $5,000 won’t even stretch as far as her un-elasticised Victorian frillies.

What are you planning to do on just $625 each a day? Watch people queue for the Anne Frank Museum? Come on, shake down the sofa, start shifting skunk, sell granny's knickers to sniffers, because you’re going to need at least double that if you want to get involved in the only thing worth doing in the 'dam: Crystal.

I’m not talking Breaking Bad bliss either; Crystal is the prettiest prostitute in the port but charges like it as well. Hell, she’ll even light granny’s spliff while you get down to it. One favour, though: ask her if I left my wallet there?

3) An indictment of the modern education system

Well, including Ireland, which has of course now become semi-autonomous, there are six in total.

4) Northern soul

On the evidence suggested, it’s not the northern weather making you crazy, but your parents. Ever seen The Truman Show? They must have, because I’m not sure you’ve even left Southampton, an obscure and uninspiring city with low levels of employment and 70s architecture in itself. Clamber into a boat, my friend, and start sailing towards the horizon.

5) The ising on the cake

Frankly, we have no idea, so we’ve rigged the flight of a celebrity chef, Paul Hollywood, to hit engine trouble so we can find out.

“Paul, can you hear us?” Oh dear, Paul seems a little panicked. He’s just dipped under his seat and found that we’ve replaced his parachute with butter, icing sugar, milk and vanilla extract.

Strangely, for a baker used to making icing, he doesn’t seem to know what do with the electric hand mixer. He's throttling the guy next to him with its cord.

Ah! He’s nicked the bloke’s parachute and is heading for the emergency exit. Out he goes. Great job Paul.

6) Heading to NJ to BJ

I’m afraid not. In fact, we've journeyed to Bumpass in Virginia, Spread Eagle in Wiscocin and Erect in North Carolina, and all we did was get sick of small town America. If you really want to explore that side of yourself, try the US's porn capital, San Fernando Valley.

7) Natural selection

We have a five-step plan for dealing with this common scenario:

Step 1: Don’t log on to Yahoo and ask for advice.

Step 2: Mentally prepare a strongly worded letter to the zoo for getting you into this situation. £10 off your next visit as compensation will do nicely.

Step 3: Don’t run if safety isn’t near, as sprinting away will activate the lion’s prey-chasing mechanism and give the predator easy access to the spinal chord.

Step 4: Don't ever lie down and pretend to be a rock – why would this be a thing? Instead, act as if you are famous wrestler-cum-action hero The Rock. Make yourself as big as possible and back away slowly, keeping eye contact. If this psychopathic lion is still on the chase, throw in the People’s Elbow and pin him.  

Step 5: Decide that it’s too much hassle to file the complaint after all. They’ve probably learnt their lesson and perhaps it was more your fault than theirs anyway.

8) Taking budget travel to new heights

Well, Mitchell, we admire your commitment to scrimping – this could potentially be a viable travel option.

To start you’d need to find yourself a large crate (as FedEx won’t accept un-crated goods – that’s the real issue here) and pay the sufficient postage stamps.

Once you’ve been loaded into the cargo hold of your desired flight, sit back and relax. Keep in mind, though, that cargo holds frequently depressurise during flights, leading to potential brain damage or death. Upon your glorious arrival, congratulate yourself on beating the system.

9) That age old question

Iconic landmarks, romantic strolls by the Seine and the ever-present nostril caressing scent of baking pastries wafting from boulangeries – what a god-awful place.

10) Meanwhile, in India

Is it at least a pretty cow? Additionally, please note there have been 22 responses to this question. Twenty two.